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There are plenty of classes on how to listen better, but not many of them cover how to make sure that the person you are listening to actually feels heard. Feeling heard is a level beyond just being listened to and few humans truly hear — and cause the other person to feel heard. Yet, we humans think that we do listen well. Perhaps, but few of us hear well. And few of the people that we are listening to/hearing actually feel heard. Sorry to be so strong on this point, but 99% of coaches, consultants,therapists and others in the listening professions can listen, but few hear, and it’s frustrating to me as a trainer of coaches because I have yet to find a way to get through to coaches that they are not hearing the person, much less having the person feel heard. Ruff, ruff! I just came up with these tips which will help, however. Hope I heard you.

1. Be silent, even when you have something great to say; don’t interrupt; don’t squeeze in your point.
In cruder terms, shut up. How can the client feel heard if you’re sharing your great idea? Please be quiet and stop getting your needs met by talking, no matter how savvy or truly helpful your ideas and advice are. Save them for later — after the client has felt heard. Then share them — they will likely land in fertile ground.

2. Ask the person to “say more.”
When you use the words “Say more, will you” or the equivalent, you’ve just told the client that you want to hear more from them, you’ve taken an interest in hearing what they have to say. This is especially important for entrepreneurs and creative type clients who create best when they are talking, not when you’re coaching them. The listen-to-talk ratio when coaching an entrepreneur is 15:1, which gives you about 2 minutes during a 30 minute session. Yes, really. Language examples: Say more. That’s very interesting, I want to hear the whole story. You’ve got my attention, tell me what’s most exciting about this for you.

3. Talk only about the other person, never about your own experiences and what you’re “reminded of…”
When you are listening to someone, listen to them. Don’t listen until you hear something that reminds you of yourself or of an experience that you’ve had or as a segue into your talking about yourself. Sure, conversation is a dance, but first master the skill of listening and hearing and that means no grandstanding, space hogging or reverse segue-ing.

4. Be endorsing and acknowledging, not complimenting or overly excited.
Don’t compete for the energy. This one takes practice to master. When someone is sharing a huge win — one that you’ve never been able to pull off — it’s hard to know what to say. Don’t be effusive because that dominates the person (in other words, you put your point of view and excitement on top of them). Yet, there are great ways to share your positive feelings for them. Good form: Congratulations! Bad form: Wow-that’s-incredible-I-can’t-believe-how-lucky-you-were-I’m-so-envious-how-did-you-do-it-golly-gee.

5. Become a you-oriented person. Let go of the I.
(this is NOT codependency, fyi) Causal (not casual) means being “at cause,” continually investing in, putting it out there, working. Being Causal assumes that the client is learning as he works so that he learns from his environment and also about himself, thus getting more and more effective.

6. Repeat back parts of what they said.
By this, I mean that you can say back to them the best of what they said, and you can even up-language it if you know what they were trying to say but didn’t have the language to.

7. Be yourself and say the first, most obvious thing that comes to mind.
Really! This is genuine communication and the other person will really feel heard if your response is genuine, unedited and direct.

8. Ask, “How heard/gotten do you feel?”
Yes, really, ask this. Better for you to know how well you did than thinking that you did great and didn’t. I’m fairly certain that spouses that don’t feel heard create problems big enough that their spouse has to hear them. Thus, I’m fairly convinced that the couple that truly hears the other person rarely has problems or fights. Better to master this learnable skill than become an expert at problem-resolution, in my view.

9. For a person to feel completely heard, they need to feel accepted, totally accepted. It’s great to hear what the person is actually saying or is trying to say, but what if you could truly hear what the person didn’t, couldn’t or wouldn’t say? Would that make a difference? You bet it would! Why? Because when you can hear all that’s being said and not said — and the other person feels this, they feel accepted because that means you’re hearing the parts of them that they can’t articulate and perhaps are barely able to sense. This is an advanced part of the listening/hearing skill, but oh, what a part this is. Whole lives can be changed by this single skill.

10. Tell the person that hearing and getting them is your Number 1 commitment to them.
Wow. This is really exciting to both parties. Why? Because you can do so much for another person when you get and hear them — far more than you can do by giving super advice by itself. There is so much love, live, wisdom, talent inside each person, but it often doesn’t come out because it can’t — no one is listening, hearing or getting the person well enough. And,again, it’s more than just listening because listening is about you. Being heard is about the othe person and is far more impactful.

Thomas J. Leonard, often known as the father of coaching, passed away suddenly on February 11th, 2003. His seemingly endless ideas included the creation of CoachVille, and the International Coach Federation, as well as numerous books, teleclasses, programs, and workshops on coaching. One of Thomas’ signature creative structures were these top ten lists, a way of organizing his thoughts in an easy to read format. Visit Best of Thomas to learn more about the many different works of Thomas Leonard

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Photo by Rev Stan

Sometimes when trying to help we can make things worse without meaning too. Many common expressions of support are actually subtle criticisms, judgements, or “digs” that can actually hurt the other person. Try not to use these ten phrases when trying to help.

1. Comparing a person’s performance with that of another or yourself. “You’re #4 right now.”

10. Telling someone what they should do: “You should…..”

Thomas J. Leonard, often known as the father of coaching, passed away suddenly on February 11th, 2003. His seemingly endless ideas included the creation of CoachVille, and the International Coach Federation, as well as numerous books, teleclasses, programs, and workshops on coaching. One of Thomas’ signature creative structures were these top ten lists, a way of organizing his thoughts in an easy to read format. Visit Best of Thomas to learn more about the many different works of Thomas Leonard

Share and Enjoy:

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1. The Top 10 Subtle Digs That Undermine.
2. The Top 10 Signs That You’re An Adrenaline Addict.
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Photo by Rev Stan

Sometimes when trying to help we can make things worse without meaning too. Many common expressions of support are actually subtle criticisms, judgements, or “digs” that can actually hurt the other person. Try not to use these ten phrases when trying to help.

1. Comparing a person’s performance with that of another or yourself. “You’re #4 right now.”

10. Telling someone what they should do: “You should…..”

Thomas J. Leonard, often known as the father of coaching, passed away suddenly on February 11th, 2003. His seemingly endless ideas included the creation of CoachVille, and the International Coach Federation, as well as numerous books, teleclasses, programs, and workshops on coaching. One of Thomas’ signature creative structures were these top ten lists, a way of organizing his thoughts in an easy to read format. Visit Best of Thomas to learn more about the many different works of Thomas Leonard

Share and Enjoy:

Related posts:

1. The Top 10 Subtle Digs That Undermine.
2. The Top 10 Signs That You’re An Adrenaline Addict.
3. The Top 10 Ways To Have “The Edge” Without Injuring Anyone.

Photo by Luis Argerich

The Edge is a term that describes one’s way of coming across or managing — firm/expectant, but not a jerk. When you have The Edge, others respect you and respond to you; you are not ignored.

1. Make direct requests that are specific.

10. Have an edge to your voice that commands attention.

Thomas J. Leonard, often known as the father of coaching, passed away suddenly on February 11th, 2003. His seemingly endless ideas included the creation of CoachVille, and the International Coach Federation, as well as numerous books, teleclasses, programs, and workshops on coaching. One of Thomas’ signature creative structures were these top ten lists, a way of organizing his thoughts in an easy to read format. Visit Best of Thomas to learn more about the many different works of Thomas Leonard

Share and Enjoy:

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1. The Top 10 Ways to Be Unconditionally Constructive, 100% of the Time.
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The more context you provide to another, the faster they will absorb new content. And, during periods of rapid change, additional context is needed to reassure, anchor and condition so that this change is embraced vs feared. This List could also be called “Top 10 Ways to Get People to Make Changes.”

1. Personalize your point.
Tell them why what you’re saying is important to *them.* Example: “Given you’re a physician, it’s important that you get your arms around the changes occurring in your profession before they cause a drop in your revenues.”

2. Piggyback your point.
Point out a trend that is already accepted by most and link your point to that trend. Example: “Every industry and field is being forced by the consumer to eliminate waste and inefficiencies and the medical profession is not exempted from this irreversible trend.”

3. Build trust.
Ask them what they are feeling and really listen for what’s being said and not said. Listen. Care. Example: “Tell me how this will affect your practice, your family and your personal dreams.”

4. Open their mind.
Get them thinking by asking an evocative question. This often leads to an opening/flexibility. Example: “If the HMOs cut your fees by 30% next week, what would you need to do to still turn a profit and still be a physician?”

5. Create a partnership.
Let the person know, in advance, who and what you will be for them during any transition. This helps. Example: “My job over the next 12 months is to support you while you make the personal and professional changes mandated by this trend.”

6. Tell a story/anecdote.
Stories often bypass our resistant/fearful Mind and open us up from the inside. Example: “Let me tell you a brief story about….”

7. Draw a distinction.
Simplify what’s occurring that needs contextualizing by create a new vs old model. Example: “The primary distinction that is at work here is the one of effectiveness vs efficiency.”

8. Point out what is no longer a reality.
When things change, it means that some things that were always there have gone away forever. It’s important that the person get that this thing is gone, gone, gone. Example: “The days of you having complete control over the extent and quality of health care provided to your patient are over. Gone. You need to get this.”

9. Preface your point.
It helps to tell the person what you’re going to talk about before you talk about it. Example: “What we’re going to talk about is the changes occurring in health care and how they affect physicians now and in the foreseeable future.”

10. Ask for how you can help.
When absorbing new things, people need the room to ask questions of you as someone who has a grasp on the bigger picture. Create the environment for them to ask you these important questions. Example: “This type of change brings up lots of reactions. Can you tell me what’s going on for you?”

Thomas J. Leonard, often known as the father of coaching, passed away suddenly on February 11th, 2003. His seemingly endless ideas included the creation of CoachVille, and the International Coach Federation, as well as numerous books, teleclasses, programs, and workshops on coaching. One of Thomas’ signature creative structures were these top ten lists, a way of organizing his thoughts in an easy to read format. Visit Best of Thomas to learn more about the many different works of Thomas Leonard

Share and Enjoy:

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